Overweight on the inside

One of the things that I've learned since going on Maintenance, is that I'm still overweight on the inside. The outside has shrunk to a thin person. However, the inside, my mind, my being, is still a food addict. For awhile there, I thought that I had actually converted that voracious part of my soul into a dyed-in-the-wool health nut.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "inside me there's a skinny girl struggling to get out?" In my case, there's an overweight girl doing the fighting. She's a part of me and always will be. If I don't keep an eye on her, she's going to get out again. Like a gremlin after midnight, both hands in the refrigerator, up to no good.

For this reason, I will always have to watch what I eat, day in, day out, hour by hour, minute by minute, choice by choice. Does that sound depressing? It is.

However, I'm a firm believer in taking strength from knowing your enemy. If you know what you're likely to do, you can take steps to minimize it. Or forgive yourself more easily. Or find peace in knowing that it's just how you are.

I know my enemy. The enemy is inside me. Not inside the chips, the restaurant, the office cupcakes, or the bag of Oreos. Inside me and only me.

One of these days I may yet be a card-carrying member of the thin and healthy. But until that day comes, I have to keep tabs on the girl inside.

Update: for more thoughts on this post, read the follow-up piece, "Thin on the inside."

Why I ♥ Maintenance

It's my fourth day of Maintenance and I'm really enjoying it. Really, really, really enjoying it. And yes, I'm kicking myself because I didn't start this sooner.

I'm told that some people are afraid of the extra points when they get to Maintenance; that they'll gain the weight back. I was a little hesitant at first. But when I got to the end of my first day, I felt more relaxed about eating than I have in a long time. I felt more in control and less deprived.

Up until Sunday, I'd been in losing mode. And consequently I was always like a twitchy rabbit. Always eating veggies and ready to bolt for freedom at the merest whiff of danger. Or, in my case, chips, cheetos, and cheesecake.

Now I can take my time, choose my foods and not worry so much about whether it'll put me over my points allowance or cause weight gain. In addition, those extra four points have allowed me to really expand my meals. I've been using them to get in more whole grains and protein. As a result, I've been in a constant state of satisfaction.

And while I've always tried to make sure I had enough to eat in losing mode and to indulge when I needed it, there was always that slight edge of hunger, deprivation, and hyper-vigilance. After 17 months, Maintenance was the right kind of change.

For those who are not yet to their goal weight, I'm hoping this post will give you something else to look forward to. You still have to be careful of what you eat, but there's a certain amount of freedom (and food) that comes with it.

Ironically, I finally broke the 120s on my home scale this morning. Yes indeedy, I do love me some Maintenance :)

What a difference four points makes

Yesterday was my first full-day of maintenance. I never thought I'd be this excited about getting four more points. Having been at 19 points a day for so long, four points is a windfall. Giddy is an apt description.

Motivating with muffins

As I sit here drinking my cup of fibre, I'm starting to feel that this whole thing is doable. No, not my regularity. But rather, living life after goal.

Oddly enough, it's been food that's been pulling myself out of my funk. I tried a new recipe earlier this week and last night I made a batch of low-fat muffins. It's been ages since I've baked anything other than chicken. Getting excited about new recipes is a real motivator.

Now all I have to do is not eat the remaining muffins in the freezer.

The “now what?” syndrome

It's starting to settle on me despite my best efforts to ward it off with garlic and a wooden stake. The dreaded "I've gotten to goal, now what?" feeling. That sort of jumbled set of thoughts on how to live the plan now that weight loss is no longer the primary goal.

I know it's natural and is something I'll have to work through in the weeks ahead. I don't kid myself that it'll be an easy process. But I know it's something unavoidable and to be explored and worked through. Hopefully I'll find that balance soon. In the meantime, I may be opining and whining in the weeks ahead, so I beg your indulgence in advance.

Of course, it hasn't helped that I still haven't made a decision about Maintenance. I know weight loss is no longer the primary goal...but maybe it is. Oh decisions, decisions. I hate making the wrong choice so I become paralyzed when asked to make up my mind. You should see me trying to decide what colour socks to wear in the mornings.

Musing about Maintenance

For those on Weight Watchers, you know that after you achieve goal, you're put on Maintenance for six weeks. At the end of those six weeks if you are no more than 2 lbs above your goal weight, you're awarded Lifetime status. The six weeks are meant to take your body out of losing mode and into maintaining mode. I'm told it takes a bit of trial and error to get your daily points right.

However, as I've mentioned before, I didn't think I'd be ready for Maintenance. I'm not so sure now. Originally, I thought I'd like to meet my personal goal first. I'd still like to get into the 120s, lower my BMI more, and basically make a bit of goal weight breathing room.

That said, I'm starting to think I'm missing an opportunity to do this the way it was meant to be done. Learn the lessons of Maintenance before being awarded Lifetime. It seems more right to do it this way. I've been losing for so long, a break might be what I need to get used to the smaller me. Especially because my mind hasn't quite caught up yet with all the changes in my body.

I guess I'm just worried that my personal goal might be sidelined. If I don't act on it now, will I still feel like doing it in six weeks?

I'm going to ruminate a bit more and get through this week. Come Saturday, I'll try and make a decision. And if anyone has advice to share, I'd love to hear it :)