Confession time. I'm a jumpy nervous mess and it's gotta stop. I keep getting heart-thumpy whenever I think about it and since I've been thinking about it an awful lot lately, I'm like a sugarbug and it's high time I put it to rest.
What am I thinking about? Getting into the 140s. I've been nervous and excited about it for weeks now. There was even a night back in December when I couldn't sleep because of it.
The 140s was when my weight gaining years started in earnest. This means that once I get into the 140s in the present day, I'll have undone all those years – ten years to be exact – of poor eating, lazing on the couch, and generally not taking care of myself. It's unbearably exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time knowing that I'm so close to achieving this. On one hand, it'll be a great achievement, on the other hand, it was the weight range where everything went wrong to begin with.
*deep breath*
I just need to stop thinking about it so much. It'll happen when it happens and I won't let the past dictate my future. Now all I have to do is say that a bajillion times a day until I believe it.
EDIT: Thanks for your feedback, everyone!
I don't think I wrote my post very well. I'm more "giddy excited" nervous than anything else. The fact that it was the 140s where things went wrong, isn't weighing as heavily on my mind as the fact that it'll be an awesome huge accomplishment for me. I'm like a kid before Christmas, super excited, can't sleep, desperately waiting for the day to come, hehe.
As for the small niggly fear about the past repeating itself, I've been telling myself I won't be in the 140s for long so it's a non-issue, ha!
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4 comments:
Hi TinyTrim,
Sounds like you are doing some black and white thinking. Are you thinking that in the 140's you will have to be perfect to stay there? That you will have to be hypervigilent? I don't think you will have to - you didn't have to to get there.
Were these 10 years really only about "not taking care of yourself"? Perhaps you did other things during that time too, like start or maintain a healthy relationship, be assertive, etc. What about the good things of those ten years?
Hope this is helpful.
PS you may want to check out this blog/her new book. She lost half her body weight and is finding a way to be comfortable with that, by turning her attention to living her life, enjoying food, and hikeing and cycling for pleasure http://www.dietgirl.org/.
Hiya Tiny,
It's amazing how a little number can bring so much emotional baggage with it! :)
I get shaky thinking about going any lower than 160 because in the 150's was when I started being anorexic as a teen, plummeting to a scary 126. (I am 5'9") I know I would feel better weighing 150-155, but I get too shaken up thinking that it might start all over again.
Sorry to make this comment mostly about me. :( I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who freaks out over a little number! :)
Have a great day!
140's is great! You should not be worrying so much about gaining the weight back because you are in a different frame of mind.
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