I'm still amazed at how a number of my pre-weight loss mindsets still float to the surface. It's like they're never truly gone; they wait just below the surface only to emerge in awkward places like the dressing room.
Case-in-point...I mentioned on my last post about some poor eating choices I'd been making. As a result of that, somehow I thought that I had gained so much weight as to go up in a number of clothing sizes. I actually found myself thumbing through sizes that were too big for me. When I caught myself doing this, I made myself try on a smaller size. It was an honest-to-goodness kick in the head when I found it fit me.
What went through my mind at that point? "I can't possibly fit in a size this small, I've been eating out of control." It's the same sort of thinking I had even before I gained weight to begin with. "I can't possible fit in a size this small, I'm not good enough." As a result, I never even tried on smaller sized clothes. I expected disappointment and I received disappointment in return.
Maybe that's exactly why I became so overweight? I saw myself as large and unattractive. I wasn't really. But I believed it and I became it.
Now here I am at square one. Back where I started before I put on weight. Rummaging through the racks looking for larges, thinking I'm not good enough, that I can't possibly be allowed to try on small sizes, that I'm not worthwhile.
If you're itching to smack me right now, I don't blame you. Fortunately, there's a difference this time. Though I didn't recognize it at first, I was eventually able to identify that old sneaky thought pattern before it successfully crept onto me like a badly-fitting puce-polka-dotted frilly-cuffed mark-down shirt.
I don't kid myself that it won't try again. (Fashion disasters lie in wait for us all.) But when it does try again, I'll remember this: I'm thinner than I think I am. But more importantly, I just have to believe I'm better than the image I have of myself. Because if I believe it, I will become it. And maybe then I won't come home from the store with plaid stirrup pants and poofy pink shirts.