Weekend triggers

I'm coming clean with this post. I've been binging. One recent afternoon, I methodically ate whatever packaged treat I could get my hands on. That was the worst day, but there have been others.

The weekends are the trigger for me. They're usually spent with friends who don't care what they eat. I'm always the odd duck out when it comes to healthy meals. I try to tactfully suggest certain places to eat, but I don't press it too hard if nobody is keen on it. Just because I'm choosing to eat healthier, doesn't mean everyone else should, too. Oftentimes, I'm thrown into situations where the choices are limited to yet another unappetizing salad.

What is it about friends and food that leads me astray? When I avoid gettogethers, I'm not a team player. When I order something healthy or abstain from someone's home cooked food, I'm the alien in the group. When I try and be a part of the group and take a nibble...the nibble leads down the path of no return.

It's been a year-long battle and I've just gotten tired of trying to adjust to all these social situations that keep getting thrown at me. Like the dripdripdrip of water on rock, it's wearing me down.

It's for this reason that I've been giving in a lot lately to the pressures of socializing. Unfortunately, it's led to the binging and a fatalistic attitude. "You've already muffed it, Tiny, might as well eat the whole cupboard."

At the very least, I've been crawling back onto the wagon every single time I go off course. By my teeth and finger nails, clinging on. Thank goodness for my mother who passed down the stubborness gene. I. Will. Not. Give. In.

At least not permanently.

All the ranting aside, social situations aren't going to go away. I just have to accept it and keep working on ways to handle it. Aside from...you know...eating a box of cereal in one sitting.

Seventy-third Weigh-in

Sorry for the delay in getting this one up. I was away for a mini-vacation this weekend. I went up 1 lb this weigh-in, which is to be expected considering the number of eating blow-outs I've been racking up.

Speaking of which, this past weekend was quite the bender. Remind me why I shouldn't eat until I hurt. Oh, that's right. Because that leads to 70 lbs of weight gain. And it wasn't like it was extremely tasty food either. I just kept trying to find that one meal that tasted so good it was worth all those calories. I never did find that one meal. It was all mediocre from start to finish. Meanwhile, four bajillion calories later and my insides weren't so happy with me today.

Needless to say, this week is damage control. Which is rather ironic because I've been working up to a particular decision for a few weeks now. Yep. Maintenance. I had pretty much decided to start on it this week. After this weekend though, it'll have to wait until next week.

In the meantime, I'll be doing lots of reading and research while I do laps around the block trying to work off two days of excess.

Maybe it’s Maybelline?

I don't know...is it? Somebody please tell me because I'm completely clueless when it comes to skin care, makeup, or even leg shaving. When I was growing up, importance was placed on how much sand and dirt you could come home with between your fingers and toes. Moisturizer? Pffft.

But as I've gotten thinner, I'm looking at my body in a new light. I used to take it for granted. With Weight Watchers and exercise, I've been taking care of the inside. Now that I'm feeling fabulous on the inside, it's time to take care of the outside.

So I've been googling. Yes, googling. For product reviews. It's so sad, it's funny. I feel like Data from Star Trek trying to emulate human behaviour; the more I learn, the more baffled I become. Like toner. I don't know what it is. I know the kind that goes in a laser printer, but somehow I don't think it's the same thing you splash on your face. Unless being smeared with charcoal is the new look for spring?

The mysteries of toner aside, I've so far put together that I should be cleansing my face twice a day and using moisturizer. Accordingly, I've bought cleanser and a moisturizer with sunscreen. And because I'm a deer in the headlights and susceptible to marketing, I also bought a doomahickey that looks exactly like a miniature belt sander for your face.

I used my new products over the weekend and my face actually feels fresh and smooth. Maybe this face cleaning thing isn't so bad? I'll try it for awhile and see how it goes. My next step might even involve makeup. And then, dear readers, I really will be asking if it's Maybelline. Or Cover Girl. Or...or...or well I've run out of names because, as you've no doubt already concluded, I'm clueless ;)

Washboard abs

Confession time. Who else spends an inordinate amount of time in front of the bathroom mirror, naked, trying to spread out your belly with your hands in an effort to make it look flat?

I caught myself doing it again this morning. One hand above belly, one hand below, smoosh and spread. I'll stand there for a few minutes and imagine I really have a flat stomach. I even briefly consider using some duct tape to keep it that way.

Alas, as soon as I let go, the belly button fold returns. One of these days it's going to stay flat with or without hands or adhesive products. That day will be sweet indeed. Especially because I'll have more time on my hands instead of hanging around in the bathroom all day.

Nervousness

Confession time. I'm a jumpy nervous mess and it's gotta stop. I keep getting heart-thumpy whenever I think about it and since I've been thinking about it an awful lot lately, I'm like a sugarbug and it's high time I put it to rest.

What am I thinking about? Getting into the 140s. I've been nervous and excited about it for weeks now. There was even a night back in December when I couldn't sleep because of it.

The 140s was when my weight gaining years started in earnest. This means that once I get into the 140s in the present day, I'll have undone all those years – ten years to be exact – of poor eating, lazing on the couch, and generally not taking care of myself. It's unbearably exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time knowing that I'm so close to achieving this. On one hand, it'll be a great achievement, on the other hand, it was the weight range where everything went wrong to begin with.

*deep breath*

I just need to stop thinking about it so much. It'll happen when it happens and I won't let the past dictate my future. Now all I have to do is say that a bajillion times a day until I believe it.

EDIT: Thanks for your feedback, everyone!

I don't think I wrote my post very well. I'm more "giddy excited" nervous than anything else. The fact that it was the 140s where things went wrong, isn't weighing as heavily on my mind as the fact that it'll be an awesome huge accomplishment for me. I'm like a kid before Christmas, super excited, can't sleep, desperately waiting for the day to come, hehe.

As for the small niggly fear about the past repeating itself, I've been telling myself I won't be in the 140s for long so it's a non-issue, ha!

Fifty-fourth Weigh-in

I'm down .6 lbs today. But it's not a true loss. I cheated my weigh-in. You know how you weigh less in the mornings? And if you go back to bed for a few hours, get up and weigh yourself again you're often a pound or so lighter? It's because you lose water as you sleep. Even if you didn't know this, I've known it for a long time and I used it to my advantage this morning.

Why? Well, yesterday I weighed myself and found that the scale was slightly up. What the heck? I have been so gosh darned good for so long, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it if I gained at today's official weigh-in. So I deliberately slept in much longer than normal - four hours longer than normal.

Yeah. I suck. My name is Tiny Trim and I'm a scale junkie.

But seriously. I've been awesome. I've been meeting the healthy guidelines like I'm the poster-child for Weight Watchers. I've been exercising like I'm trying out for the Olympics. I even won the battle of the box for goodness sake. You'd think the scale would do some serious dropping. But it isn't.

I've been thinking about it and thinking about it and the only conclusion that I can come up with is that I'm just not eating enough given my current exercise level. That's why I bought a heart rate monitor so that I'd know for certain.

Now that I have a week under my belt of knowing exactly how many calories I've burned, I sat down today and did some calculations. Surprise, surprise. I've been averaging less than 1,000 calories per day of net consumption. Now I'm no expert, but even I can tell that's just not enough food. It's surprising given that I've been eating all of my Activity Points and most, if not all, of my Weekly Allowance Points.

I'm left thinking of two options. Try the Wendie Plan or try Core. I know many people have had success with Wendie as well as Core. But Core scares the beejebus out of me. It gives me the jibblies because I feel like I have no "off" switch when it comes to portion control. Even still, there's something appealing about being able to eat as much as I'd like of healthy food. Then again, Wendie sounds good, too, because I can stick with Flex. But even then, would I be eating enough to sustain my body?

Much to ponder. I'm going to think about it today and hopefully come to a decision.

Thursday Confessional

I'm a big dope. Let's just get that out of the way first.

Why? Because I've been feeling down on myself since Tuesday night. I'd been feeling all athletic and cool and then I had a look at myself in the mirror while doing yoga at Bootcamp. Bad thing to do. I didn't like what I saw. I have an image in my head of what I look like and what was staring back at me wasn't what I thought it should be. As Mulan once opined, "When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

What I saw was an overweight dumpy-looking girl (with two inches of underwear showing, but that was yesterday's story). I couldn't help but think that's why those girls thought they could beat me. Because I looked like the sort of person who should be beaten. The low bar to be jumped at the barest minimum.

Since then, I've been sulking. I told myself I'd write a blog post asking for people to tell me that I was hawt and I just didn't know it yet. You know, my own little pity party. My husband tried to cheer me up, but that didn't work. I was sulking but good.

I was sulking so much that I didn't realize that I've already been given what I had asked for. First, a coworker complimented me on my weight loss yesterday morning. She'd never done that before. Second, a friend also mentioned it to me yesterday - she said I was looking "tiny." (side note: I love that word). Again, she'd never done that before either.

And here's me, being all boo-hoo about it and I had my encouragement right there. Not only that, but some of my own words came back to haunt me. At the beginning of my weight loss journey, I promised myself that I would appreciate my body at all stages. Because when I was young, dumb and skinny, I didn't appreciate my body for what it is. A gift.

From now on I'm going to try and focus on the gift that I've been given. To love it, love handles and all. And I'm going to remind myself that though the outside might look like a low bar, my spirit is a high bar over which none can jump.

Or if they do, I'll trip 'em.

Replacing junk with junk leads to more junk in the trunk

Last night as I was mowing down on a bit of portion-controlled chocolate for no other reason than I was bored, I realized that I had replaced the junk food I'd been eating during Christmas for more junk food. Just portion-controlled junk food like baked cheetos, 100-calorie packs of cookies, Slimfast bars, and other things like that.

Before Christmas, I was pretty good about limiting them. But since then, I stocked my cupboards with them and I keep eating them like they're free and safe foods. Nuh uh. They're not free and safe. It's still junk food and empty of nutrition. Once in a while is okay, but not if you're spending a good third of your points per day on them when you could be giving your body better nutrition.

So today and for the rest of the week, I'm going to limit myself to one of these foods a day. If I feel hungry or snackish, I'll grab yogurt, fruit, cheese, whole-grain bread etc. instead. No more junk in my trunk!

Christmas is coming and the goose is...

Well, the goose is having problems. As I mentioned way back when, I have family issues when it comes to food. At Christmas time, these issues are much more pronounced. More than any time of the year, Christmas was when the treats came out. Christmas was when, for a small period of time, our family didn't feel so poor. We'd have mincemeat tarts, cookies, chips, dip, foil-covered chocolate balls, and lots of other treats that we didn't get any other time of the year.

In short, for me, Christmas is intertwined with food. And so far this year, I'm having no great success in untangling it. The nearer the day gets, the more deprived I've been feeling. I've been letting off the steam in small barely-managed bursts of treat eating. Sunday afternoon, the dam burst. There was a plate of cookies, a bowl of foil-covered chocolate balls, and...well...it snowballed from there.

Today I'm feeling equally rebellious. I've eaten some chocolates that a client brought in as a gift. I also didn't say "no" to the Hazelnut Lindt ball that my coworker saved for me. I even encouraged my manager to bring in her famous rumballs. If you're thinking this is sounding like an imminent train wreck, you'd be right. The brakes aren't working and the engineer is talking on her cel phone.

So I'm making a deal with myself today. Since separating food from Christmas is just about nigh impossible for me right now, I'm giving myself permission to go ahead and eat treats from now until the day I get back from skiing. Yes, a free food pass. However...and there's the big however right there...I also have to do something for my physical well-being in return. Here's what I'm going to do to keep it together:

• Have a nutritious breakfast every morning
• Take my multivitamin
• Drink at least 6 glasses of water each day
• Exercise every day
• Practice moderation as much as possible

I am also going to continue to do what I've been trying to do. And that's to find fun Christmasy things to do that don't involve food. All of this is damage control to be sure. And yes, there's a whole lot more that I could be doing. But it's a start and better than letting the train tumble into the canyon.

I also realize that weight gain is likely. I'm hoping though that with permission given, a sense of responsibility will prevail. As they say in the movies, with great foil-covered chocolate eating power comes great responsibility.

Thirty-eighth Weigh-in

I've come out from under my rock to finally post my last weigh-in. There's no two ways about it, I'm embarrassed. I've decided to post it and get it over with despite how sheepish I might feel. I'm up again, another .4 lbs. I know it's just a wee amount, but then I look over the last few months and it's distinctly becoming a trend.

I know I can certainly explain it away to my heart's content – work has been busy/stressful, I'm back on birth control meds, it was that time of the month, etc., etc. – but excuses only cut it so far when you're not really following the plan. I did it before when things were rough, why not now?

This week hasn't been any better. There's been one Halloween festivity after another. I even paid for it dearly the morning after a night of icing/eating Halloween cupcakes with friends. My stomach was in such knots that I took the day off work. Though that wasn't fun at all, I still ate badly on Halloween itself. Needless to say, I'm expecting another gain tomorrow.

So, what to do? I am reminded of a quote from my favourite movie...

When a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning.”
– Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

And that's what I'm going to do. Back to the beginning with me! Menu plans, tracking every morsel into my mouth, drinking water and exercising. All the good things that got me to where I am today. Because, despite my excesses this week and my hit-and-miss attitude of the last few months, I've still lost over 40lbs and should never lose sight of that.

Thursday Confessional - the "I'm tired" edition

In the industry I work in, there seems to always be a deadline with not enough time or budget for it all to get done. Like the last time a big deadline came down, eating right has been very hard this week. Yeah, I know. I said I would plan more. And I planned to plan more! But it never quite happened.

Eating has been difficult, but at least I've been tracking. Unfortunately I've not been tracking on time - after a couple of days I went back and tracked the missing days and found that I hadn't eaten enough! Which is just as bad as eating too much. I'm working to remedy this. It's just that I'm often so tired that I don't want to eat in the morning or during the day. It's probably why I'm so tired - not eating enough!

On the bright side, this morning I pulled on what I used to call my "skinny jeans" (pre-WW) without undoing the buttons. They're too big for me now but I'm wearing them today anyways because I'm in desperate (emotional) need for something comfy.

Thursday confessional

First things first. I'm not sure that my Ham Plan™ is working out as intended. I bought the ham last night and it's the most delicious smelling thing ever. The scent of sweet hickory smoke just ooooooozes out of the package. It smells so gosh darned good that I'm salivating thinking about it. Focus, Tiny my girl, focus!

Second thing, I've been bad. It's embarrassing to say but I might as well get it off my chest: I haven't been tracking consistently this week. And I've been letting food control me instead of the other way around. Why do I do this to myself every time I hit a milestone? You'd think I would've learned from last time! But instead, I'm in a rebellious phase where *pouty look* I don't wanna track. *sticks out bottom lip*

But whining and stubbornness won't get me anywhere. Or at least whining won't. Being stubborn is one of those traits that can work for or against you. I can latch on like a pitbull if I want it bad enough but I can also flat out refuse to latch on though the ground is giving away. Ah, the mindset of a Taurus!

The rest of the week I'm going to work on that stubborn attitude and make myself do the things that I know work and are good for me. And I will track my food for goodness sake! So, enough with the whining, Tiny, and stay outta the ham!!!